Why your toddler can't share yet, and why "MINE!" is a milestone

It happens in a second. The grab, the scream, then the wail of the other child after your toddler just aggressively yanked a toy out of their hands. It is embarrassing and impossible to fully prevent. "Let's share, buddy!" I say. But he just clutches onto the toy tighter.

What's going on here?

Sharing is a skill that develops over time, and most children do not fully grasp it until around ages 3-4. My 1-year-old son has recently started yelling "MINE!" as he claims toys or tries to pry things out of his sister's hands. He is starting to explore the concept of ownership. Toddlers are communicating "this matters to me, and I am finding out who I am separate from other people."

When our child does this, they are not being selfish. It is not a reflection of bad parenting. It is an appropriate developmental milestone.

I remember feeling embarrassed when other children would come over to play, and my daughter would immediately decide that whatever toy they were playing with was the one she needed in that exact moment. She would follow them around grabbing toys from them, yelling "MINE!" instead of sharing. After much coaching, she no longer does this. Do not worry, your child will grow out of this stage!

Right now, what to do in the moment

You cannot force your child (or anyone) to do anything. When we attempt to force our child to share, they often cling on even more to their toy. So what do we do?

Before I open my mouth, I have to be honest with myself. Because if I am thinking "my kid looks like a brat," my kid will hear that, even if I say it nicely. So I remind myself that this is a normal toddler.

If your child has the toy, you can help guide the turn-taking. "It's Eden's turn right now. You can have it next."

If your child was the one taking the toy away from someone else, first help the original owner: "You feel sad she took the bear." Then help them verbalize the feeling: "You really wanted that bear." Even if the child cannot verbalize the feelings, they are taking in what you are modeling.

Model the sharing yourself. Show the turn: one holds, one waits. A timer helps, because a kid can't see time. And if they still will not hand the toy back, you can take it out of their hands, gently. The toddler just has to learn that the toy comes back around.

The wanting is the normal part. Your toddler wants the bear, and they want it badly. What I handle is the grab that comes after.

That step is hard in practice, so here is a full guide on co-regulation.

Build the skill over time, and what not to do

It is easier for a child to grasp "taking turns" before "sharing." When your child is calm, you can model taking turns. With my children, practicing turn-taking with me has been helpful. "You brush your teeth first, then it's mama's turn to help you."

Try not to give long lectures, force children to give a toy back, or shame your child with lessons about "being nice" or "you already have so many toys." A two-year-old's brain is not built for waiting yet, and "wait your turn" is a lot to ask. So we practice the small turns with my kids. The second spoon. The window seat. It is not a lesson. It just keeps showing up.

When to check in with your pediatrician

Most children are not ready for genuine sharing until around 4 years old, so do not panic if they are not great sharers before then. If you have any concerns about your child's development, you can always talk to your pediatrician.

We love you no matter how you feel, even when a feeling comes out as a grab.