Is Your Toddler's Hitting Normal? What a Child Psychologist Says to Watch and When to Worry

It's pickup time at daycare. There's an incident report folded into the backpack, and your heart sinks. Yup, today it was your child who was aggressive at school. It’s easy to wonder inside, “is this normal, or is something wrong?”

Yes, hitting is normal for toddlers. Here is why it still deserves a closer look

Hitting peaks around age two, and once you think about where your child is developmentally, it makes a lot of sense. My two-year-old is very verbal, but he still is not speaking in full sentences or able to tell me what he is feeling inside. When he gets frustrated, he feels it intensely in his body, and his release is to move his body in big ways - he hits, he bites, or he throws himself onto the ground.

The good news is these hitting behaviors will eventually fade when your child learns more coping skills and a bigger vocabulary to express himself with.

But "normal" doesn't always mean "everything is fine." The better question is what kind of normal you're looking at. It is certainly normal to have a big tantrum that may involve hitting. Take a step back and observe the pattern in your child’s behavior to see if there is something to be concerned about. One hard afternoon tells you very little; the pattern over weeks tells you almost everything.

Notice the pattern

Here are four things worth noticing as you watch your little one develop.

1. Frequency - How often is your child displaying these big physical behaviors? Is it every once in a while during a particularly big tantrum? Is it every day for weeks?
2. Who gets hurt - Is it peers, siblings, caregivers, or random children at the park? If the hitting lands on only one particular person, that's worth asking about.
3. Context - Are there predictable situations where aggressive behaviors occur, such as transitions or asking your child to share? Or is it genuinely out of nowhere? (Note that sometimes a hit that seems random could be because you simply missed the trigger. A toy fell down, their sibling looked at them the wrong way. We may just see the aftermath, not the actual inciting event).
4. What happens after - Does your child seek you out, cry, want a hug? Or do they withdraw, or stay flooded long after the moment passes?

If you notice these, it is worth a conversation with the pediatrician

Here are the behaviors that may cause some concern.

• Hitting that keeps escalating over weeks, even with consistent, calm responses.
• Hitting that gets in the way of day-to-day life: daycare or preschool participation, friendships, family routines.
• The red-flag pair: a loss of words or skills your child already had, or toileting accidents in a previously potty-trained child.
• A persistent lack of connection or repair after these difficult moments. Note that toddlers are still learning about empathy and remorse, but most toddlers do display some reaction to knowing they have done something that is not allowed.
• Biting lives in its own post, with its own when-to-call section, so it isn't re-covered here.

As always, you know your child the best. If there are any lingering concerns, it’s worth bringing up to a pediatrician or teacher.

Each child is different. My eldest rarely exhibited any biting or hitting behaviors, and it was not something I ever worried about. My toddler now often hits us when he gets frustrated at a transition, and I have been humbled at how hard it is to help him learn different coping skills.

The one thing to remember

A hitting phase is a season. You are not a bad parent, and your kid is not a bad kid. Your child is lucky to have a parent like you who is paying attention.