Why Do Toddlers Bite?

When my daughter was one, she was bitten several times by a "friend" in her daycare class (I was not told the child's name, but I received reports from school about these unfortunate injury incidents). I was aghast at whatever poor parenting was going on, that some child was biting other children in frustration.

Jokes on me. My second born is a biter. And I have come to realize that a child's biting behavior is not a result of poor parenting (at least, not at this age!)

Why toddlers bite

When your child bites another kid, it is easy to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and horrified at this primitive behavior. However, toddler biting is not a sign of a bad child or a failing parent. Our little ones bite because they are experiencing a big feeling that they are unsure how to express, and these biting behaviors will typically fade as they learn to express themselves more effectively.

Toddlers bite for a lot of reasons, none of them personal: teething, sensory exploration, the what-happens-when-I-bite question, feeling overstimulated, to show affection, and the biggest one, frustration that cannot be said yet. Again, this is normal, and it is temporary.

My son has bitten me (and his other family members) for all of those reasons. He has even bitten me in excitement when we were play wrestling, and he suddenly decides his teeth are one of his greatest weapons. Naturally, this same child started teething early and already has a full set of powerful chompers.

If you are more concerned about hitting than biting, I've written another blog post that covers the topic. When Big Feelings Come Out as Hitting Physical aggression can feel scary and out of control, but do not fret parents. This too shall pass.

Biting is a feeling with no words

If your child bites another, first separate your child from whoever they bit. Attend to the bitten person first, briefly: a look, a bandage, a quick soothe. This models empathy and care for others. Then return to your child and state the boundary in a clear, concise way: "Biting hurts. No biting."

When little ones do not have words, they communicate with their bodies. A bite is often "I want this" or "this is too much." To help children move out of this biting phase faster, help them name the feeling after you set the boundary. "You were so mad when she took the truck." That gets the feeling out of the teeth and into language.

When your child is calm (and you are calm!) you can then offer other alternatives for them to get out their big feeling. For instance, they can stomp like a dinosaur or pretend to blow a big bubble.

What helps over the weeks, and what not to do

Whenever your child bites, set the same firm boundary, using the same words. This reinforces the boundary in a clear way.

Practice other ways to express feelings when things are calm. Stomp around, squeeze a stuffed animal, blow out candles, or try to talk about feelings. There are many great picture books that talk explicitly about biting and why it is not ok.

What not to do: no biting back, no long lectures, no shaming, and no forced apologies. Each one can reinforce the very bite you are trying to end. Remember that all of these coping skills can only be taught if you stay regulated and calm.

When to call your pediatrician

You know your child the best. If you feel concerned about your child's biting behaviors, particularly if they are over age 3 or there are other concerns about their development, then talk to your pediatrician.

If your child was the one bitten, it is not your fault. Offer comfort, a brief explanation for what happened, and give them an opportunity to share about their experience. Whether your child bit or was bitten, the core response is the same: stay calm, name what happened, and provide alternative behaviors for next time.

Just this last week, my son bit my daughter in frustration when she was not playing a game the way he wanted it to be played. I am with you on both sides of this frustrating behavior, and I also am trusting that it will get better.

You love them no matter how they feel, even the feelings that come out as teeth.