When the Dark Feels Too Big: What Toddler Fear Actually Looks Like (And What Helps)

Why your toddler is suddenly scared of everything (and why it is actually good news)

Around age two, your toddler's brain does something new. They start experiencing a new level of imagination, memory, and anticipation. The child who used to sleep peacefully now may be afraid of what is in the closet.

It's helpful to think of this as a cognitive leap, as progression rather than regression. Your little one can now imagine threats they cannot see. While this is obviously scary for them, it's impressive that their little brains can think this way now!

During this progression, stranger danger may also resurface. Your child fully understands object permanence, or the idea that something still exists even when they cannot see it anymore. Therefore, they feel more strongly when you leave their presence, and they miss you when you are not in their sight anymore. If dropoff has become a struggle, here's what helps when goodbye feels too big for your preschooler.

I am in the middle of this transition with my youngest, who is almost 2. My previously easygoing son is suddenly more clingy and tearful at dropoff. Whereas he was fine saying "hello" to random strangers before, he now seems more shy. While part of me feels frustrated that this means I need to spend more time soothing and helping my child adjust, I know that it means his brain is actually developing and he is appropriately more cautious in new situations.

The "brave" trap: what to say instead of "you're okay"

It's common to tell our kids in these situations: "Be brave." "You're okay." "There's nothing to be scared of." Every parent has said some version of this. I myself have said it many times. We say this out of love, but a more nuanced way to approach our child's fears is to address their feeling and remind them of their ability to manage it.

Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling scared and doing the thing anyway.

In The Big Slide, Eden stands at the top of the slide, looking down. She feels scared. Her mom does not say "you're fine." Mom stays close and supports Eden through her emotional reaction. Eden names her fear and feels supported as she learns to tolerate that feeling in her body. My favorite part of this story is actually that Eden then chooses not to go down the slide, but her parents accept her decision. What a powerful moment for Eden! She experiences full, nonjudgmental acceptance of her feelings by her parents, and she knows that when she is finally ready to slide down, her parents will be right there celebrating with her.

So instead of simply saying "You're okay," try this instead: "You're scared. This feels big right now. I'm here."

The Big Slide strategy: look around, notice things, slow down

The grounding strategy in The Big Slide is simple enough for a two-year-old: "When I feel scared, I can look around and notice things to slow down my heartbeat."

This is sensory grounding. By observing what we see, hear, and feel, we help activate more of our prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) instead of staying in a reactive state. Your child moves from "I am scared" to "I am scared and I can see the blue curtain and hear the fan."

The strategy of pausing to observe is an easy coping skill to apply anywhere. I've practiced this with my children in the waiting room at the doctor's office, while waiting to ride a new ride at Disneyland, and in the car as a way to practice observing. The goal is not to eliminate fear, but to help your child feel it with a safe adult nearby and a coping tool in hand. In fact, I've utilized this grounding technique with adult clients in my therapy practice. The next time you feel anxious or overwhelmed, try taking a beat and using your 5 senses to make some observations. The more readily you can bring this coping skill to mind, the more likely you are to remember using it with your child.

This grounding approach is one example of co-regulation — the practice of being a calm, sturdy presence so your child can borrow your nervous system while they learn to manage their own.

You don't need to fix the fear. Just sit with it.

Remember that our ability to feel fear is actually a good thing. We do not want to eliminate our child's fears. We want them to know when it is appropriate to be cautious, and when they can move through their scared feelings and still do a necessary task.

Before transitions (new school, new friend, new routine), your child observes how you react to it and can sense how you want them to behave. When you can be calm and sturdy, they can be too.

We love you no matter how you feel. Even the scared feelings. Especially the scared feelings.