When Big Feelings Come Out as Hitting

Hitting is communication, not a character flaw

Your child wanted the red cup, the last popsicle, the toy someone else was holding. Then suddenly their fat little hand comes up and hits you across the face.

Oof. That moment can make a parent feel embarrassed, worried, and angry. It also feels concerning when the one your child is hitting is somebody else.

Hitting does need a clear limit. And it can also be a message from a child who has a feeling bigger than their words. Young kids act before they can explain. Their hands can move faster than their sentence-making skills.

My youngest son is currently learning not to hit. I make sure to watch him extra carefully when we are playing with other children, because when he gets frustrated, he frequently will try to hit or throw.

First, keep everyone safe and stay steady

In the moment, the goal is not a perfect teaching speech. The goal is safety.

Move close if you can. Block gently. Separate bodies if needed. Use a short sentence your child can actually hear: "I won't let you hit. I'm going to keep everyone safe."

That may be all you say for a minute. Long explanations usually bounce right off a child who is very upset.

Name the feeling after the storm

After your child is calmer, you can help connect the behavior to the feeling.

Keep it simple. "You were really mad when the popsicle was gone." Or, "You wanted a turn, and waiting felt too hard."

This is not excusing the hitting. It is helping your child build the words they did not have five minutes ago. The limit stays clear: "Hands are not for hitting." The feeling still gets named: "You were mad."

You can also model empathy by checking in on the child who was hit. "Let's make sure Hannah is okay."

Practice replacement words and safe body choices

Children need an alternative for the energy they feel.

You might practice: "Say, 'I'm mad.'" "Ask for help." "Stomp your feet." "Hands on your own body." Some kids need a phrase. Some kids need a movement. Some need both. You know your child best. Practice a couple options when they are calm, and over time they may begin to do it on their own.